KAY Hay
In the bustling chaos of Sydney's Domestic Airport back in May 2004, fate led me to stumble upon a handful of paper scraps left unattended on a seat. With curiosity piqued, I couldn't help but wonder about the mysterious owner, whom I imagined as a lost sibling watching over me from afar. As I searched amidst the crowd, my dreams of finding her were dashed, leaving me feeling like a fool clutching onto torn remnants, haunted by the specter of her presence.
Despite my best efforts, I found myself unable to locate her amidst the sea of faces. Yet, instead of discarding the scraps, I made the decision to carry them with me, determined to unravel the story they held within. Like an archaeologist deciphering ancient papyri, it took me a year to piece together the fragmented narrative into its current form.
And now, with the tale finally brought to light, I address her directly, asking, "Am I bad?" To the most wondrous lady I've ever encountered in written word, please forgive me. I am sorry for sharing your story, but in doing so, I hope to honour your memory. Despite any missteps along the way, there is always room for redemption.As they say, every story needs a rogue Jonah, and I suppose I'm yours.
Barely, assembled the whole scratches. I was satisfied she had bravely written everything about her life on fifty seven pieces. "I sat by the skeletons of my mother, fingering her skull and her bones and her ribs and her kidneys and her eyes,and her chest. And then like a conscienceless bastard had to run with the wild wind, chasing the moon, and leaving the cursed corpse for a thousand savage soldiers .. " 1988. (Many words are Missing.)
"Shepherds had dragged me as far as they could, then, they left me alone on the rocks of the Sad Heights, with my little daughter. I say .'Whoever you were I am grateful,dear dearest, dearest.." 1988
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"When the airborne soldiers dropped my dearest brother off, from the plane to die on the rocks. I saw his shocked, bright eye glittering like some twin stars. Soldiers had captured him while he was lying with his wounds at the battlefield. Then they took him ruthlessly for the military exercise; there they dropped him off to see how would he fly and hit the rocks. While he was falling down, on his way, the soldier, from the moment they threw him down, were screaming brazenly in the sky above. 'Those are your rocks, bastard, not ours; you think so, bastard.You are dreaming.' They screamed....
Dogs, anyway later pulled his corpse into pieces and hauled him as far as they could. Then floods swept him and dismantled his grey bones. That was the end of his short life. Then they came - the soldiers came- and took his wife and sold her to many Muslims. She was pregnant.And when we were certain she was dead- we read some thousand verses on her empty grave. " 1986.
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Aftermath, doubtless a decade after Al- Anfal- she w rote in her papers. "A charming boy with the sweetest face was stepping onward, whispering with tearing eyes and shivering lips.'Mother.' (Many words are missing.) I felt a legendary frame of an angel’s statue, walking so sweet, and so proud that I was about to scream. 'The only man of the family.' I was frozen. 'Mother. For so long time have been looking for you,' said he.'Hold his face, Touch him. Kiss him,' my friend cried. I was standing , in front of him and shivering like a little bitch , gaping with a blank mind. 'You can, you can,' my friend screamed..(Many words are lost) 'God! Torture me not, I beg you, I beg you, Almighty.' I was talking to myself,when he said. 'I always, kept your picture me.'" 1999
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(Many word are missing .) "People, whom I knew, said.'He is not your son. He is not your son." Actually everyone told me.' One must be careful these days.' (Lost words.) O' Golden Heights, Oh, my tribe.They said. "You let a strange man lie with you."
I cried "Fuck you all." Actually I wished to say that.
' Listen to no one , he has your eyes, your lips, your nose... are you blind?' said my friend.. I had no one... I had no one.
Nevertheless I started learning the truth by my senses, by my heart's- fangs, by my- so long lost soul, by all my conscience's power, bringing his face back from the heart of the darkness, feeling him proudly ... reading loudly my memories on Al-anfal
. "If the truth is true, and has to be told: He is my son, he is the truth.' I said. Thereafter,I had nothing to say except; the graveyard is not a right place for brothels.I speak this way because I have no one to talk with. " 2000.
******
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*
"Past is the poisons of my life " ....( Missing word.) I had been hiding in the heart of my carcass watching the world through the holes of my body, and stretching out my head like snakes, breathing the remaining dusts of the God's remains . And for having laden with a thousand bonds till the end of the time, murmured, in bidding my ego to set itself free.. " Creep. Creep out." I say.
(Many words are missing."
I was to remember the old town, I had to remember my husband , fumbling my way, and sinking further more into the hazy smokes and horrible smells of our perpetual wars...running after the ghosts of my folks, or the people whom I had known, through the Walk of Death. (Missing Words.) We were fools, always were digging our graves.
. "Well," I said, and bid myself. "Walk to the end of the world." (Missing Words.)
And there I came to a halt , where in fear our eyes flashed against a thousand splendid ghosts of the motherland -folks who.talked with the wind, like ancient highlanders.(Local Coded- Language- I am bleeding...Loin pain hematuria syndrome)
" Hey. There is no escape...you're part of us, " they said and in response, firmly , I seized my jolting heart- for having savagely- waited for a miracle.
"I am not a bitch of temples- I am not a slave," said I.
"You are crazy..."
"No I am not."
" So, you are done," they said.
"I will ran away and never come back."
"What do you call yourself. You'll forget your closest folks."
"My closest folks are dead."
(Missing Words.)
The weather, I thought, has changed early this season, (Missing Words.) The wind erupted, and started shaking the school boys , and sweeping away the fallen leaves of the giant trees , which were always swinging backward and forward on the Pretoria Road - sending away winged seeds through the old trail- exactly like my seeds.(Missing Words) The storm then hit the shelters on the road sides and thundered across the railway and around the broken hills.( Missing Words.) Squeaked with my ghosts.. "Run,run, run."
Barely ceased watching my past through the tearing eyes, for having our claims undone. (Missing Words) Nevertheless.(Nevertheless is her word.) The whole world huddled in one row against our rights.(Our rights looked like a Petition to let us live .)" I say. 'I am a mountain dweller. They say. "You are at the rock's bottom." However, sometime I was keen to restore the wrecked bodies of my clan. They say nervously. "Stop making a fool of yourself."
I walked the wide avenue , midst lavenders fragrance, rains, and humbleness, breathing the odors of the season full of my heart - listening to things I lost.."Hold on, dear," say he sweetly...my husband says. "Hold on." I was him indeed, wasting the majority of my time for nothing . (Missing Words).
"That might bring you back, dear, " says he .
"I am the real one, not you, dear, " I say
(Missing Word.) I stared at the voice .
" Get out of my life."I say.
I had to run with the wind, in the silver pouring rain.
" Bring me back?" he demands.
(Missing Words,)
"We are strangers.."
"I know..."
Scared , but had to wait for him, in the very autumnal evening, gazing through the window across the vast balcony of the old apartment to conduct my rites in behalf of everyone's grief,browsing in particular images were engraved on my gemstones." Gemstones are God's favorite ACCESSOIRE ," said he.
My husband had found the sweetest- cruelest female. (Missing Words.) He had dubbed me. "The Origin of Symmetries." The beast used to read . (Missing Words) ...The Blake's Tiger. "What immortal hand or eye, could frame thy fearful symmetry.”
(Missing Words.)
I , vaguely , whisper ." Never let you down, man."
"Agile like Comte de Lautréamont." ...( Missing Words.)
"You are not clear, my man!" I say
" I know, I know," says he.
( Missing Words.)
( Missing Words.)
Anyway, however, after all those years, I only recently have known; the tiger's frame was my mine. The brutal-est beauty - the toughest alive female of the clan, who was once fragile and weak with such a splendid name in the eyes of a thousand suitors. .
" Three Symmetry rows, " says he.
"Did he hunt me with his spell?
" Stop it ...stop it ."
And then I wondered and remembered the truth of my beauty that had bewitched me ever since: The man was crazy and had created me out of nothing. .
"One thousand years ago," I screamed.
"Oh, Great God, so long time he lived in me! "
"Our frames, dear," says he.
"My husband," I scream." So cruel you were, how dared you to die without me.".
"You are the cruelest, dearest, you are dead."
I heard the very stroke of my heart with his name, and in fear, looked into the deepest eyes.of the then time. Then , I could dull all my elusive senses. "Have you been brought up for such a brutal death ?" I say and deny my intention..
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I had to sit down alone, under the quiet, cool dusk, where hazily tetrahedrons shells were discarded everywhere,and glittering the pale burgundy light of past. I had let an old Greek master engraving the names of my beloved ones on the faces of the stones. The old man said." Men forget but stones don't."
He used to call me . " The Lady of Stones."
The man was a real history, ancient and tasteless without stones..
" You are not Greek, are you?" said he..
"No I am not Greek, I am a stone," said I confidently.
" It is not bad to be a stone, my lady, " said he.
" Ay," said I. " We are stones."
Everyone had his story and his humble grave on the Sad Heights. I was the only one who has not got her lot yet.. Probably, I thought, some reporters are anxiously waiting for my time to come, however, for certain I would be the last one , and never shall let those bastards enjoy the view of my destructed body in the massacre's exhibitions."
" Never ever."
It was midnight,and I was still counting the ghosts of my friends and relatives, murmuring with the last warm tears. "Almighty, what could men of that time be doing now?"
" Nothing, baby, nothing, nothing,"says he.
In my time, they were almost always, gathering near or around the dunghills, across the destructed creeks, or at the Mosque’s yard starring upward unto the misty sky of the old cemetery and the oak trees, smoking in dark or khaki coats, holding always shouldered rifles,and long beads, shuddering and smoking and eloquently talking and lying to each other .
" How sweet those lies were, bitch,." says the ghost.
" I agree," I say.
Nevertheless, was laden with a thousand myths
Awakened, suddenly, by a sweet sound swelled on the wide boulevard which went on cruelly through the dusk, and that made her eyes swelling with tears once more. I could distinguish the voices of Blue Gum Tree Pub frequenters from the brothels' . I was obsessed with their songs.
" I am a lonely tree gum."
"Ay," I say.
"That is right," says he.
I saw , on the street, glistering eyes and blushing faces of a thousand races...I thought my body was a source of sin, and shrunk in my skin, feeling though the sweetness of beauty, and freedom. I had to cry when half- hearted-ly touched my skin, and scratched my destructed breast, wondering if I was indeed born a true legend of the Sad Heights- or fucked up.
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The man I saw, was my husband's friend. "Ay," he read me a poem. I thought he was genius, in the same way we used to be poets or bards, writing and singing like nightingales . My husband had loved him and he loved me to death. He was desperately struggling for his love,though never dared to confess..
He read his poem with his hoarse voice...cacophony was a proper word to describe his filthy-lyric ; the bastard had crossed Pacific Ocean on boats only to meet me .
"Victoria The Great,
The goddess of the magic era,
Had earlier seized Zeus' scepter,
And fascinated someone, sharper than Winston;
the lord of her chivalry,
Sitting thoroughly, upon a vast history,
To fill the commodiousness of her throne.
Almost exactly was frozen
in the narrow sky of the city
" It was harsh...was not close to lyrics' kind, " murmured I.
I used to sit by her monument, and most often asked her the same question.
I knew the bastard had started the poem since he arrived in here. I screamed at him,though for a moment I thought the Goddamn, beast, might be my man, and if I had given him my diary, he dared to trespass my privacy.
"Have I revealed my secrets," said I.
" I dare to say, lets reserve a place for yourself in the Genocide Museum, "said he.
" Are you insane?" I screamed.
" No I am serious," muttered he.
" Get the hell out of here, now, bastard." I screamed.
" I'll go and never come back," said he.
"Wait, Wait, " said I furiously ."How dare you say that? ".
" I am crucified," he murmured.
"So what?"
"We crossed oceans, spaces and skies," said he
" Alone?" said I.
" No, with , Ely Banister Soane," said he.
(Missing Words.)
" I am tired ."
" Listen," said he.
“The storm erupted, and trod on the city's underbelly, beneath the blue cloud, until brutally the wind crushed the city’s wings," said he.
" Crushed her chest," said I..
" Flattened the walls of her heart," said he.
" Stop it bastard," said I.." All were children,"
(Missing Words.)
"The wind hit the trees, schools, windows, and our doors," said he.
"It squalled savagely and crushed my husband's frame," said I.
" Right," said he.
" And he has gone," said I.
" No. He is here," said he and clasped his heart.
" Bastard."
"He was the home of a thousand virtues, allegories, poems, and epics.- flowers of mountains, songs of mountains, our fragrant bower... yours, and myself's , and was my own past,.” said he.
Bitterly, we would remember, how the storm raged, and clamored furiously with smokes, and filthy dirt which very soon broke down the town into pieces.However suddenly I was startled...he had gone.(Missing Words.)
"Are you waiting for the happy prince, ma'am?” a stray man, probably homeless, mocked me kindly.(Missing Words... scratches and black symbols.)
I was stunned, looking bitterly at his frame. It was, almost exactly, as deformed as my mine.
...............................................****
Years had to pass. Missing Words.) I saw my husband's friend leisurely walking alone, on George St. He was watching me.(A paragraph of a personal letter:Mother send me the binocular and a new radio." It was not his first time spying on me.I thought, he was addicted to my existence, since he felt he was a man.. "Bastard, you were dead," I mumbled furiously, however, he was keen to cast a glimpse at my blushing face.(Missing Words.) The bastard was crying.
I waved to him cynically.
(Missing Words.)In response, he could not stay any further. Actually, he walked all the way to the harbor, and at the end of the way ,he sat by Darling Harbor under the Sydney's greatest bridge, weeping with me. (Missing Words.) I had been following him, and swearing shamelessly like whores. He was not genuine. Missing Words." I was not genuine.
"My dear brother," said he..
"My dear brother." I replied.
We were siblings.
(Missing Words.)
" My dear brother.," said he again, and put his hand on my shoulder. Then, he tried to hold my waist. We looked at each other and felt we were just defeated twins (Missing Words- Calligraphic scratches-were drown around Koranic verses , and talisman symbols against evil eyes.)
We have, in fact got the same wrecked frames. There we wept for someone... someone we had not had at all. .
He tripped over his own feet. ( Missing Words.) Stumbled on the grass. ( Missing Words.) With a face bleakly settled upon my lonely eyes. His was dwindling. I could see the death shivering oddly in his eyes. ( Missing Words.)Then, all of a sudden he jerked me violently.(Missing Word.) We could not describe our pains.(Missing Word.) He left me alone on the grass,and walked away by his own. ( Missing Words.) I dumped him...I ditched him, and struggled to keep my heart safe. I held it in my hand.
He was still striding on the unpaved pathway, dragging his shocking frame and walking awkwardly towards the train station. I kept watching him until he vanished behind the fence, within a crowd s come down the train station's trail. His last words echoed in my head steadily . " Catch up latter, " Probably to catch my attention. But I growled. " Never, bastard.".... (Missing Words.)
"You will...you got no one."
We were not mature. He failed, anyway to face me confidently ,and I was a wild beast . He could not stop himself crumbling in my presence. When he knew I was serious, he covered his face and fled,ripping the crowd like bulls.(Missing Word.) He was shredded, however, he had a name...I ran after him and called him by his name."Bastard...bastard."
But had already vanished.
All in all, he did not let my horrible voice crush his mind . He tried first to find a doorway to hide his face, escaping my cruel voice, like he used to. He was deprived of his skills for having had always his rites on papers, with his ancient tools. . Actually, he was deprived of everything in jails, or at battlefield during his everlasting disputes with everyone, except me.
I screamed savagely.( Missing Words.) I Lingered outrageously to humiliate him in my way. "THE WORD, that is only you have got !They are prostitutes' tools . You are an extinct beast ; writer, ha!!! Hell, son of a bitch, son of a bitch," ...(Missing Words.)I was swearing."Hey, Mother." said my daughter. "You are swearing."I had then a this feeling ; I was myself a bitch.(Missing Words)....Days passes well . He he thought I was a perfect woman ... "I said I am a bitch."
" Terrible woman, I am a terrible woman, mean and cruel, "I murmur some times.
When I lingered .( Missing Words.), My eyes rested on the northern bay-where the lights were falling on the mountainous waves. Actually, was somehow lulled by the hazy shadow of myself , which had been left behind on the waste heights - standing up, like a dumb statue on the storm's route, doing nothing like martyrs.
"I won't be , never be," I murmured..
Conversing frequently withe the queen. (Missing Words.) I came back and rooted to my spot under the queen’s feet. (Missing Word.) Queen was a statue. (Missing Words) He converses rarely, most often is silent.His tongue is bitter.I thought he was silent because he became a hypocrite. I read from his poem.
When I stare unto thee,
further up to thy grey face ,
a kin to me..( Missing Words.)
My bleeding wounds
May bother thy conscience.” .
****
(Missing Words) Sydney.(Missing Words.) George St. (Missing Words.)Stunned by the magnificent architecture of St.Mary's Cathedral---Hyde Park-- strange .(Missing Words.) Statue of Queen Victoria ; Queen Victoria the Great.(Missing Words) I was little, but was part of the cold material
of the statue. I had my thread back unto The Sad Heights.
Thy dark , disguised chivalry,
Had left mysteries,
And foot prints, in my heart,
Thy Majesty.
I read his poem. It was written for me.I said. "For God's sake who the hell sits there?"
The poem came to the end. I enjoyed the view of the streets. My manager used to make more cracks in my head. Nevertheless, someday I say to him , face to face."Fuck you, Mao.".... he will say "You are fired." doubtless, by then I will have been older than he expected. (Missing words)
“ Anyway, this tidy front mask holds no sign of my past. Even have washed out a small pox scar on my face."...(Missing Words) Arrogantly, some times I ask myself about my failure." Had not it been my weakness?" Then remember, and read " The crazy map has been scratched on my skin under this pink underwear."...(Missing Words.) However anyway , when I read I feel his fingers running inside my body, and scratching my deepest region.
I knew his poem was his savage impression on my body- as always was sensing my sighs, and my beating heart. ( Missing Words.) while then was listening to the pattering crowd vanishing in the mouth of the city. Ant like then steadily a thousand waves were pushing forward to disappear in the in the city;s labyrinth, and secret chambers.. All races were fixing eyes of blank heads - forward on none- being , dismissing the material of his road- mates , except for the little sense of hatred ,which might be washed out someday by the ocean..-
(Missing Words.)
I am certain, we are on a right track. ( Missing Words.) I , behave as if ,am writing a letter to my dead parents, and many -many of -next of kin-s whom someday I had. (Missing Words.) We are on the edge of the world, where cold rays of the old ocean rise up everyday, under the Ode to Goddess of Sun,( Missing Words.) And there with some dull feeling the fresh winds touch the most extreme- blueness of the sky , our common ancestors’ dome , beyond the stars of the continent which is deeply living in the depth of Pacific’s heart and mine.
"But it time to escape the past."
The End
Autumn 2004
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